Family Therapy

The following was adapted from Forgiving and Reconciling:  Bridges to Wholeness and Hope.  Revised edition by Everett L. Worthington Jr.

 

 1.  Acknowledge the Hurt  The first step is to allow yourself to say, I was hurt/offended when my spouse did/said this.  Sometimes we deny the pain.  We think, " That hurt didn't matter".  Instead of suppressing our feelings, we must come to grips with them. Instead of turning from the pain and anger, we must face them. 

2.  Gently confront  When a transgression occurs, ask for an explanation.  Rather than saying, "You barbarian!  You have the sensitivity of gravel.  How could you do such a horrid thing to me?  Don't you love me?" ask, "When you insulted me, I was surprised.  You're usually very sensitive.  Can you tell me what was going on?"  This is more respectful and will usually keep the door open for genuine dialogue.

3.  Pray.  Sometimes recalling a hurt or offense can throw us into a tailspin.  So here's what to pray for and about:  *to protect your mind, to focus on the forgiveness aspect rather than the negative thoughts * for the Holy Spirit to be your comforter * for a gift of empathy.   It's difficult to empathize with a spouse who has hurt us.  But we can ask God to work actively within us to help us see things from our spouse's point of view, to help us understand why our mate did or said the things that hurt or bothered us - even if that's against our natural desires.

4.  Strive for humility.  When we're wronged, It's easy to feel morally superior.  To forgive, though, I need to see myself as not so different from my offender.  By recognizing that there have been plenty of times when I've hurt my spouse, sometimes intentionally, I can see, in humility, our similarities.  Then I think of the times I've received forgiveness.  How many times has God forgiven me?  How many times have other people, including my spouse, forgiven me?

5.  Start with the easiest offenses.  If one hurt is too difficult to forgive, try forgiving an easier one.  Put the hard one aside until later.  Try again tomorrow.  If you want to forgive but can't, keep practicing.  It may take time, but forgiving happens.

6.  Choose to reconcile.  Forgiveness can help promote reconciliation, because it softens attitudes.  Reconciliation is all about deciding to talk, talking gently in love, empathizing, repairing any hurt feelings (sooner rather than later), and building a sense of loving devotion that both people feel.

7.  Anticipate that the wounds will still hurt.  When people have worked through the past to reach forgiveness, they often think (irrationally) that they'll never remember the hurt again.  If they do recall the hurt and re-experience pain, they think that their forgiveness was a fraud.  Not so.  A remembered hurt does not equal unforgiveness.

8.  Hold on to forgiveness.  Don't dwell on negative emotions when you recall the incident.  Remind yourself that you've forgiven the person.  We can exert self-control to reach forgiveness.  Self-control is part of the fruit of the Holy Spirit (Galations 5:23), so we don't need to exert it by gut-it-out effort.  We can anticipate that God wants to produce self-control in us, so He'll be motivated to help us. 

 

 

 

 

Frustrated?  Angry?  Driven to drink? Here is the best advice that I can give parents of children of any age:

 

It is the first thing to try when your little angel has turned into a little imp, when you find yourself wanting to run away from them, when they constantly seem to be making the wrong choices.  It's very simple and much cheaper than therapy.

 

PLAY WITH THEM--It's that simple.

 

Take 30 minutes a couple times a week to get down on their level and play something that they want to play one-on-one.  This may be a board game, a tea party, shooting hoops, going out for a coke, whatever they enjoy.  The main idea is that they get to take the lead and you are there for the fun and the contact.  This isn't a time to discuss issues, it is a time to connect. One note of warning:  If you have one child that is more "in need" of this than others you MUST do this one-on-one time with each child. (That means that I should be doing it for each of my 5 kids!)  If you single out one child for this intervention, chances are, the other(s) will act out in order to spend time with you.  Try it!

 

 

"The greatest remedy for anger is delay" - Seneca

 

Such wise advise!  When you feel you are about to explode with anger at your darling child, take a minute or so to pause and pray before you react.  When you take that pause, you allow your body to calm down, and your creativity to emerge.  It gives you a chance to remember what is important to you.  Is it really how well they cleaned up after themselves, or is it your relationship with them?  It gives you a chance to remember that as parents, it is often not helpful to take our kids comments and actions personally.  It also gives us time to develop meaningful consequences or choices.  In other words, this pause and prayer allows us to put aside the anger and act out of our principles and integrity.

 

Let me know if there are certain topics you would like to see in the Family Therapy Corner!

 

Jane L. Kaufman, LCMFT, MEd